This is a long overdue post on the day that our sweet Lawrence made his debut. It was one of those days that went along just like any other....or so we thought...
Lawrence's birth mother (M) had scheduled a c-section for March 14th. We had just made plans to leave the Friday before that, stop and see our new niece on the drive out there, and go to Disney World with my parents and little sister on that Sunday and Monday as a last "hoorah". (doesn't everyone spend their last 2 days before becoming parents at Disney World surrounded by other people and their children?) I think that's the first lesson we learned as parents-to-be. Babies will put a kink (the best kind) in your perfectly made plans.
Early in the morning on March 1st, Spencer left to go on a work trip to Belize with his firm. My joke to him for the past couple of weeks had been, "You know the baby is going to come while you're in Belize right?" We both always just laughed it off because I don't think we really thought it would happen. So, Spencer left for Belize around 6 am. I carried on my day as usual: chores, work, etc. Spencer was going to be gone all weekend, so I had made plans to get everything done that we would need to do before the baby came (deep clean the house, freezer meals, hair appt, mani/pedi...life's necessities :).)
Around 8:30 that night, I was sitting on the couch, and a number popped up for the town where M's agency is located. I stared at it for a minute, but just the week before, a number had called me from that area. I had gotten all excited only for it to be a junk call, so on this night, I decided to just ignore it and continue to watch Netflix. About 5 minutes later, the same number called again... Intrigued, I decided that it was probably something important, so I answered. M's caseworker was on the other line, and she said, "Well Mackensie, I'm calling to tell you that M is in labor, so get here as soon as you can!" At this point, you can insert a complete freakout for many reasons.
A: I'm in OK, and she's in FL. How can I get there before the baby is born? (I quickly realized that wasn't going to happen, so I moved past that..HA)
B: My bag isn't packed (I joked to my friend Kellie that no one could judge me by what clothes I was wearing in pictures because I had NO IDEA what I was putting in my suitcase)
and most importantly....
C: My husband is in Belize...on a boat....in the middle of the ocean.
After clarifying a few things with the case worker on the phone, I immediately called my mom...slightly freaking out, wondering how on earth I was going to get a hold of Spencer. My mom immediately started looking at flight out of DFW for first thing in the morning for me and her. I set out to try to get ahold of Spencer, call his parents and a couple of other people, all while throwing my clothes in a suitcase. (Brittney and Becca can attest to the pure chaos that was happening inside of my suitcase when I got to TX.)
After calling the owner of the boat that Spencer was on and leaving a voicemail (desperation) and emailing Spencer and both of his bosses (the email said: EMERGENCY, M is in labor), Spencer FaceTimed me using the wifi on the boat. (At this moment, we can all be thankful that we live in 2017 and there is actually wifi on boats in the middle of the ocean). Spencer's amazing bosses booked him on a flight out of Belize for the next day, and I was in the car by 9 pm, driving to TX.
My mom and I flew out first thing on March 2nd, and we were meeting precious Lawrence by 2 pm that afternoon. We were able to spend some time with M that afternoon, and then, we left to go drop off the luggage at our house and pick Spencer up from the airport. Spencer was holding his son for the first time by 8 pm that night...not even 24 hours after he was born.
The case worker couldn't stop laughing at how quickly we got there. She said, "Mackensie's a mom on a mission." I couldn't help but think about how true that is. Once that phone call happened, my baby was states away, and I had to get there as soon as I could.
Words can't express the whirlwind of those few days. Never did I imagine that I'd meet our son without Spencer. Never did I actually believe that Lawrence would make his appearance while Spencer was on his trip. Never did I know how fiercely we would both feel the need to get to him once we knew he was here. But God knew. From the beginning of time, God knew that we were going to have a baby boy on March 1, 2017. He knew that from that moment on we were going to be running around like chickens with our heads cut off. He knew it all. He ordained all of these moments from the beginning of time. And I have never been so thankful for the fact that He is in complete control.
I look back on the night before he was born. I was laying in bed, FB messaging a friend of my older sister's. I told her, "I wish he was going to be born tomorrow!" And he was.
It's crazy how these babies just change your whole world. Even in a little over two months of life, he has rocked me to my core IN THE BEST WAY. This sweet babe's presence in my life reminds me every morning how thankful I am for my God and the fact that He loves me enough to bless me with this precious baby boy. Lawrence is our "good and perfect gift from above".
March 1, 2017. The day our lives changed forever in the best way.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Monday, January 23, 2017
When the wait changes...
It was a little over a week ago, on a Friday, when I got a phone call.
We knew that an expectant mom (EM) was looking at our profile on Tuesday of that week, and we were just waiting (lots of waiting) to hear back about what she decided. The wait to hear back about a EM's decision is always the hardest part, but if I've learned anything about God during these days of waiting over the course of the past 4 months, it's that He always uses this time very intentionally.
During that week, I started doing a bible study on the book Uninvited by Lisa Teurkerst. On Wednesday, after just a hard day, I began reading the first chapter of the book. She talks about God's character and love for us and it came down to this one phrase:
God is good at being God...
I don't know about you, but when I am having a day where I am struggling with waiting and control, reading this simple reminder spoke loads of truth and reassurance to my weary heart. It became my prayer over the next couple of days.
"Lord, please continue to remind me that you are good at being God. You are so much better at being God than I am, so please just remind my heart of that this week."
Let's just say, it was prayed quite a bit over those next couple of days. 😉
So, back to Friday and the phone call. In our experience with presenting to EMs so far, we have always received an email if it's a no, so when my phone started ringing, I walked into the living room to see who was calling.
I looked at my phone and when I saw who was calling, my heart skipped a beat. Our adoption consultant's name was flashing on my screen. I took a deep breath and answered, "hello?"
We exchanged normal pleasantries, and then she says....
"I am calling to tell you that you are due with a baby boy in March!"
And I just started weeping and laughing and weeping some more. She gave me a few details and told me to hang up and call Spencer, which I did immediately. I'd always envisioned telling him in some special way, but instead, I just called his cell phone a billion times (slight exaggeration) until he answered and said he would call me back in just a minute. So I waited by the phone and when he called back, I'm pretty sure all that I got out before dissolving into tears was "Susan called...". And at that moment, he knew, too.
Now, here we are, waiting again, but with this sweet, amazing end in sight. We wait with the knowledge that we are matched with a woman who is now the bravest woman I will ever know. We wait with excitement that we're going to have a baby boy in a few weeks. We wait with the assurance that God has us on this path to connect with our EM, and we pray that we can be intentional with her in the times that we speak and connect over the next 7 weeks and beyond.
Lastly, we wait with the promise of God's faithfulness and love, and we shout with praise the truth that He is so so good at being God.
We knew that an expectant mom (EM) was looking at our profile on Tuesday of that week, and we were just waiting (lots of waiting) to hear back about what she decided. The wait to hear back about a EM's decision is always the hardest part, but if I've learned anything about God during these days of waiting over the course of the past 4 months, it's that He always uses this time very intentionally.
During that week, I started doing a bible study on the book Uninvited by Lisa Teurkerst. On Wednesday, after just a hard day, I began reading the first chapter of the book. She talks about God's character and love for us and it came down to this one phrase:
God is good at being God...
I don't know about you, but when I am having a day where I am struggling with waiting and control, reading this simple reminder spoke loads of truth and reassurance to my weary heart. It became my prayer over the next couple of days.
"Lord, please continue to remind me that you are good at being God. You are so much better at being God than I am, so please just remind my heart of that this week."
Let's just say, it was prayed quite a bit over those next couple of days. 😉
So, back to Friday and the phone call. In our experience with presenting to EMs so far, we have always received an email if it's a no, so when my phone started ringing, I walked into the living room to see who was calling.
I looked at my phone and when I saw who was calling, my heart skipped a beat. Our adoption consultant's name was flashing on my screen. I took a deep breath and answered, "hello?"
We exchanged normal pleasantries, and then she says....
"I am calling to tell you that you are due with a baby boy in March!"
And I just started weeping and laughing and weeping some more. She gave me a few details and told me to hang up and call Spencer, which I did immediately. I'd always envisioned telling him in some special way, but instead, I just called his cell phone a billion times (slight exaggeration) until he answered and said he would call me back in just a minute. So I waited by the phone and when he called back, I'm pretty sure all that I got out before dissolving into tears was "Susan called...". And at that moment, he knew, too.
Now, here we are, waiting again, but with this sweet, amazing end in sight. We wait with the knowledge that we are matched with a woman who is now the bravest woman I will ever know. We wait with excitement that we're going to have a baby boy in a few weeks. We wait with the assurance that God has us on this path to connect with our EM, and we pray that we can be intentional with her in the times that we speak and connect over the next 7 weeks and beyond.
Lastly, we wait with the promise of God's faithfulness and love, and we shout with praise the truth that He is so so good at being God.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
God Kisses
Our church has been going through the book of Mark for the past few months, and a couple of weeks ago, our pastor taught on Mark 5:21-43. In this passage, Jesus heals the unclean woman and the daughter of the important man. At our home group later that night, when we were discussing the sermon and the faith of these two people, the following series of questions were asked:
Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you couldn't fix on your own that caused you to cry out for help? Have you ever felt like God was delayed or slow to act?
My reaction? I laughed and said, "yeah, only the past year and a half of my life". My ever gracious and purposeful friends wouldn't let me leave it at that. Knowing full well what this time has looked like for me, they asked me to expound. (Side note: find people that make you do this in life. Find people who make you vocalize your faith and challenge yourself and dig deeper. that's what friends do.)
This journey to become a mom has been the first time in my life that it hasn't just been easy for me. I have an amazing family, an unforgettable and happy childhood, great friends, a job that I love, a husband that serves me and honors me...God has blessed in innumerable ways. But starting a family has not been easy. Trying to become a mom has challenged me, grown my faith, made me cry out to God because there's no way to get through this without Him. I have learned so much about myself and my faith.
But most importantly, I have learned that while I wait for God to answer the biggest prayer of my life, I need to ask for the God kisses.
A couple of months ago, I started asking God to show Himself to me each week. I didn't care how or when; I just wanted a gentle reminder that He is near. The first week, my God kiss was a song. I didn't realize it at first, it was a song that I'd heard 5 million times, but as the week progressed, I realized that this song meant a little more to me that week. And then, we sang it on Sunday at church. For the next several weeks, I continued to ask for songs, and you know what? He gave them to me. Week after week, He sent a song. Sometimes, the song would be through a friend. Other times, we would sing it at church. But He answered each request.
A few weeks ago, we had a 2 week wait with a potential birth mom until we heard a "no". Then, two days later, we had a quick presentation that lasted two days before hearing another "no". By the end, I was truly exhausted. Exhausted physically, exhausted emotionally, just truly exhausted. So, I asked God to give me a week. I needed a week to recover, rest, rejuvenate; just get ready for the next situation. He gave me exactly that...another God kiss. (Apparently, I should've told my husband that I asked for a week because it was a very long week for him...) To some, it may seem coincidental, but I don't believe in coincidence. Exactly a week later, we had 3 birth mom profiles sitting in my inbox. Most definitely, not a coincidence.
My point is this:
God is here. He doesn't sit back and observe. He's intricately involved in our lives. He knows my heart, and yours. He wants to grant us those desires. All we have to do is ask.
I know that I'm not the only one waiting on a big answer from God, so maybe while you're waiting, you'll join me in asking for the God kisses too?
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."
Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you couldn't fix on your own that caused you to cry out for help? Have you ever felt like God was delayed or slow to act?
My reaction? I laughed and said, "yeah, only the past year and a half of my life". My ever gracious and purposeful friends wouldn't let me leave it at that. Knowing full well what this time has looked like for me, they asked me to expound. (Side note: find people that make you do this in life. Find people who make you vocalize your faith and challenge yourself and dig deeper. that's what friends do.)
This journey to become a mom has been the first time in my life that it hasn't just been easy for me. I have an amazing family, an unforgettable and happy childhood, great friends, a job that I love, a husband that serves me and honors me...God has blessed in innumerable ways. But starting a family has not been easy. Trying to become a mom has challenged me, grown my faith, made me cry out to God because there's no way to get through this without Him. I have learned so much about myself and my faith.
But most importantly, I have learned that while I wait for God to answer the biggest prayer of my life, I need to ask for the God kisses.
A couple of months ago, I started asking God to show Himself to me each week. I didn't care how or when; I just wanted a gentle reminder that He is near. The first week, my God kiss was a song. I didn't realize it at first, it was a song that I'd heard 5 million times, but as the week progressed, I realized that this song meant a little more to me that week. And then, we sang it on Sunday at church. For the next several weeks, I continued to ask for songs, and you know what? He gave them to me. Week after week, He sent a song. Sometimes, the song would be through a friend. Other times, we would sing it at church. But He answered each request.
A few weeks ago, we had a 2 week wait with a potential birth mom until we heard a "no". Then, two days later, we had a quick presentation that lasted two days before hearing another "no". By the end, I was truly exhausted. Exhausted physically, exhausted emotionally, just truly exhausted. So, I asked God to give me a week. I needed a week to recover, rest, rejuvenate; just get ready for the next situation. He gave me exactly that...another God kiss. (Apparently, I should've told my husband that I asked for a week because it was a very long week for him...) To some, it may seem coincidental, but I don't believe in coincidence. Exactly a week later, we had 3 birth mom profiles sitting in my inbox. Most definitely, not a coincidence.
My point is this:
God is here. He doesn't sit back and observe. He's intricately involved in our lives. He knows my heart, and yours. He wants to grant us those desires. All we have to do is ask.
I know that I'm not the only one waiting on a big answer from God, so maybe while you're waiting, you'll join me in asking for the God kisses too?
"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Is it no or not yet?
I've been thinking about the word "no" a lot lately and how it is a really hard word to hear.
The word "no" is a pretty common word to use, unless you're me. I hate saying "no" because I am a people pleaser to the very core of my being. Upsetting the apple cart or even thinking that I might upset the apple cart makes me feel absolutely horrible. I truly just want people to be happy. I don't feel like it's my job to keep everybody happy, but I do like to do what I can to make people's lives easier. I love to be helpful and assist others with things that they need accomplished.
However, a few months ago, I started to realize that boundaries are good and it's okay to say no. I absolutely didn't come to this conclusion on my own, but after a lot of guidance and assurance that I AM allowed to say no to things, I began to realize how much that I say yes and that it was time to start saying no sometimes. I began to see that every time I decline something; I felt the need to justify it or explain my feelings. But really, I can just say "no". This was, and continues to be, a HUGE adjustment for me. I have been trying my best to answer "yes" for things that I really want to do, things that I know will bring me joy and will bring others joy as well. Realizing that it's okay to say "no" or "not right now", has been a truly liberating process for me.
My "yes" answers are now for the things that I truly desire, the things that I want to do, things that I know will be helpful to others without completely overloading myself or putting me in a situation that I don't feel comfortable with. Recognizing that I am servant-hearted by nature, but that I also need to allow myself to be served.
However, what I find interesting is that I as I enter into a season where I am more comfortable with saying the word "no", I am having to become even more comfortable with hearing the word "no" as well.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the adoption process, the way it works for us is that we typically will get an email with a birth mother (BM) profile. Depending on the level of openness that she desires, we may just get a blurb about her in an email, or we could receive a lot of personal information. From there, we pray about her situation and decide if we would like our profile to presented to her. If we decide that we want the agency to present to her, then we send them whatever they need from us, and then we wait. Most of the time, this wait is just a couple of days. One time, it was almost two weeks (quite possibly, the longest 2 weeks ever). At the end of the wait, we either get a "yes" or a "no".
Hearing "no" is hard. Hearing "no" makes you wish you could ask that sweet, brave BM all sorts of questions. Hearing "no" makes you wonder if you're ever going to hear "yes". But each time we hear "no", God just reminds me that her "no" is His "not yet". It doesn't make it any easier to hear that word, but it does make it easier to understand, easier to move on. We know that each "no" just means that our sweet baby is still being made, still being knit together.
God is preparing you for us, little one. God is preparing us for you. We pray, we hope, we dream, we pray some more, and we wait... We hear the word "no", but we know that one day, we are going to hear the word "yes"! It will be beautiful and perfect and the best day ever.
But for now, we will be okay with hearing not yet because we know that won't always be what we hear. And I'm going to be practicing my no, so that every yes I say will be that much sweeter too.
The word "no" is a pretty common word to use, unless you're me. I hate saying "no" because I am a people pleaser to the very core of my being. Upsetting the apple cart or even thinking that I might upset the apple cart makes me feel absolutely horrible. I truly just want people to be happy. I don't feel like it's my job to keep everybody happy, but I do like to do what I can to make people's lives easier. I love to be helpful and assist others with things that they need accomplished.
However, a few months ago, I started to realize that boundaries are good and it's okay to say no. I absolutely didn't come to this conclusion on my own, but after a lot of guidance and assurance that I AM allowed to say no to things, I began to realize how much that I say yes and that it was time to start saying no sometimes. I began to see that every time I decline something; I felt the need to justify it or explain my feelings. But really, I can just say "no". This was, and continues to be, a HUGE adjustment for me. I have been trying my best to answer "yes" for things that I really want to do, things that I know will bring me joy and will bring others joy as well. Realizing that it's okay to say "no" or "not right now", has been a truly liberating process for me.
My "yes" answers are now for the things that I truly desire, the things that I want to do, things that I know will be helpful to others without completely overloading myself or putting me in a situation that I don't feel comfortable with. Recognizing that I am servant-hearted by nature, but that I also need to allow myself to be served.
However, what I find interesting is that I as I enter into a season where I am more comfortable with saying the word "no", I am having to become even more comfortable with hearing the word "no" as well.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the adoption process, the way it works for us is that we typically will get an email with a birth mother (BM) profile. Depending on the level of openness that she desires, we may just get a blurb about her in an email, or we could receive a lot of personal information. From there, we pray about her situation and decide if we would like our profile to presented to her. If we decide that we want the agency to present to her, then we send them whatever they need from us, and then we wait. Most of the time, this wait is just a couple of days. One time, it was almost two weeks (quite possibly, the longest 2 weeks ever). At the end of the wait, we either get a "yes" or a "no".
Hearing "no" is hard. Hearing "no" makes you wish you could ask that sweet, brave BM all sorts of questions. Hearing "no" makes you wonder if you're ever going to hear "yes". But each time we hear "no", God just reminds me that her "no" is His "not yet". It doesn't make it any easier to hear that word, but it does make it easier to understand, easier to move on. We know that each "no" just means that our sweet baby is still being made, still being knit together.
God is preparing you for us, little one. God is preparing us for you. We pray, we hope, we dream, we pray some more, and we wait... We hear the word "no", but we know that one day, we are going to hear the word "yes"! It will be beautiful and perfect and the best day ever.
But for now, we will be okay with hearing not yet because we know that won't always be what we hear. And I'm going to be practicing my no, so that every yes I say will be that much sweeter too.
Saturday, December 10, 2016
Why Adoption?
It's a pretty common occurrence to get asked "why adoption?".
Well, let me tell you why.
We have been on this journey to become parents for almost a year and a half now, and while that is just a blimp on the radar in the grand scheme of things, when you are walking through it, it feels like an eternity. If you had told me this time last year, that we still wouldn't have a baby, I probably would've sobbed. HA! But if you had told me this time last year that Spencer and I would be in the process of adopting, that wouldn't have surprised me at all. (funny how God works right?) We have both known from our dating days that adoption would always be a part of our story. It's a step that we were comfortable with and knew that God had in store for us one day.
Fast forward to July of this year, and we decided to say "yes" to adopting now. And after some hard months, that was truly one of the most beautiful times that we have ever said "yes". I look back and think about how gently He took our hands and led us to this place. From then on, every step has just felt right. Thankfully, due to some dear friends that have recently adopted, we had some guidance as to what directions we could go, and after some prayer and discussion, we hired the most amazing adoption consultant. She is our go-to lady. She directed us on first steps, what home study agencies to use in our area, what agencies we could apply to once we were home study approved. She is amazing! Not only does she guide us, but she prays for us and wants us to have a baby in our arms as much as we do. It's truly been a gift to have her to go to with questions, concerns, etc. God provided an amazing supporter through her!
Now, we are home study approved. This means that the state of OK has deemed our home suitable for children, and we are just waiting for the day that God says, "here you go!"
Since we have started this process, I've read some great books that talk about the biblical aspects of adoption, and it has been amazing to realize, yet again, how much God loves us. He calls us His sons and daughters and accepts us as His own. It's a truly beautiful picture.
Adoption is a risk, it's a step of faith, it's a redemption story, it's a picture of the Gospel. It can be hard, but it can be so rewarding. And we are anxious for the day that God completes this chapter.
Ephesians 1:5, "God destined us for adoption as His children through Jesus Christ according to the good pleasure of His will."
Friday, December 9, 2016
Just a little intro...
This is probably the third time in my life that I've decided to blog. Truthfully, I can't even remember what the purpose was for the first two, but here I am..yet again. Spencer and I are in the midst of the adoption process (YAY!), and as we go through the steps, the ups and downs, I've realized that I need an outlet. A place to come and write my feelings. A place to process. This is kind of interesting because I wouldn't consider myself a writer, yet my heart has been longing to write and share. So, I've decided to listen to my heart.
I'm not exactly sure what this blog is going to look like. My main goal is that this blog won't just be a therapeutic process for me. I want it to be a place where people can learn about what we're going through, where we are in our journey, and all of the feelings that come from adoption (and maybe be encouraged to adopt themselves?). Since the beginning of our journey to start our family, I've told Spencer that I don't want not to talk about it. If one person can be comforted by what we're going through, given the courage to step out and share their own struggles, or just learn more about themselves, then it makes all of this worth it.
So here I am, asking God to use me and my words to speak life and truth, to know that it's okay to feel all the feelings, and to guide us as we wait for our precious baby.
Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I'm not exactly sure what this blog is going to look like. My main goal is that this blog won't just be a therapeutic process for me. I want it to be a place where people can learn about what we're going through, where we are in our journey, and all of the feelings that come from adoption (and maybe be encouraged to adopt themselves?). Since the beginning of our journey to start our family, I've told Spencer that I don't want not to talk about it. If one person can be comforted by what we're going through, given the courage to step out and share their own struggles, or just learn more about themselves, then it makes all of this worth it.
So here I am, asking God to use me and my words to speak life and truth, to know that it's okay to feel all the feelings, and to guide us as we wait for our precious baby.
Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
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