Is it no or not yet?

I've been thinking about the word "no" a lot lately and how it is a really hard word to hear.

The word "no" is a pretty common word to use, unless you're me. I hate saying "no" because I am a people pleaser to the very core of my being. Upsetting the apple cart or even thinking that I might upset the apple cart makes me feel absolutely horrible. I truly just want people to be happy. I don't feel like it's my job to keep everybody happy, but I do like to do what I can to make people's lives easier. I love to be helpful and assist others with things that they need accomplished.

However, a few months ago, I started to realize that boundaries are good and it's okay to say no. I absolutely didn't come to this conclusion on my own, but after a lot of guidance and assurance that I AM allowed to say no to things, I began to realize how much that I say yes and that it was time to start saying no sometimes. I began to see that every time I decline something; I felt the need to justify it or explain my feelings. But really, I can just say "no". This was, and continues to be, a HUGE adjustment for me. I have been trying my best to answer "yes" for things that I really want to do, things that I know will bring me joy and will bring others joy as well. Realizing that it's okay to say "no" or "not right now", has been a truly liberating process for me.

My "yes" answers are now for the things that I truly desire, the things that I want to do, things that I know will be helpful to others without completely overloading myself or putting me in a situation that I don't feel comfortable with. Recognizing that I am servant-hearted by nature, but that I also need to allow myself to be served.

However, what I find interesting is that I as I enter into a season where I am more comfortable with saying the word "no", I am having to become even more comfortable with hearing the word "no" as well.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the adoption process, the way it works for us is that we typically will get an email with a birth mother (BM) profile. Depending on the level of openness that she desires, we may just get a blurb about her in an email, or we could receive a lot of personal information. From there, we pray about her situation and decide if we would like our profile to presented to her. If we decide that we want the agency to present to her, then we send them whatever they need from us, and then we wait. Most of the time, this wait is just a couple of days. One time, it was almost two weeks (quite possibly, the longest 2 weeks ever). At the end of the wait, we either get a "yes" or a "no".

Hearing "no" is hard. Hearing "no" makes you wish you could ask that sweet, brave BM all sorts of questions. Hearing "no" makes you wonder if you're ever going to hear "yes". But each time we hear "no", God just reminds me that her "no" is His "not yet". It doesn't make it any easier to hear that word, but it does make it easier to understand, easier to move on. We know that each "no" just means that our sweet baby is still being made, still being knit together.

God is preparing you for us, little one. God is preparing us for you. We pray, we hope, we dream, we pray some more, and we wait... We hear the word "no", but we know that one day, we are going to hear the word "yes"! It will be beautiful and perfect and the best day ever.

But for now, we will be okay with hearing not yet because we know that won't always be what we hear. And I'm going to be practicing my no, so that every yes I say will be that much sweeter too.