God Kisses

Our church has been going through the book of Mark for the past few months, and a couple of weeks ago, our pastor taught on Mark 5:21-43. In this passage, Jesus heals the unclean woman and the daughter of the important man. At our home group later that night, when we were discussing the sermon and the faith of these two people, the following series of questions were asked:

Have you ever found yourself in a situation that you couldn't fix on your own that caused you to cry out for help? Have you ever felt like God was delayed or slow to act? 

My reaction? I laughed and said, "yeah, only the past year and a half of my life". My ever gracious and purposeful friends wouldn't let me leave it at that. Knowing full well what this time has looked like for me, they asked me to expound. (Side note: find people that make you do this in life. Find people who make you vocalize your faith and challenge yourself and dig deeper. that's what friends do.)

This journey to become a mom has been the first time in my life that it hasn't just been easy for me. I have an amazing family, an unforgettable and happy childhood, great friends, a job that I love, a husband that serves me and honors me...God has blessed in innumerable ways. But starting a family has not been easy. Trying to become a mom has challenged me, grown my faith, made me cry out to God because there's no way to get through this without Him. I have learned so much about myself and my faith.

But most importantly, I have learned that while I wait for God to answer the biggest prayer of my life, I need to ask for the God kisses. 

A couple of months ago, I started asking God to show Himself to me each week. I didn't care how or when; I just wanted a gentle reminder that He is near. The first week, my God kiss was a song. I didn't realize it at first, it was a song that I'd heard 5 million times, but as the week progressed, I realized that this song meant a little more to me that week. And then, we sang it on Sunday at church. For the next several weeks, I continued to ask for songs, and you know what? He gave them to me. Week after week, He sent a song. Sometimes, the song would be through a friend. Other times, we would sing it at church. But He answered each request.

A few weeks ago, we had a 2 week wait with a potential birth mom until we heard a "no". Then, two days later, we had a quick presentation that lasted two days before hearing another "no". By the end, I was truly exhausted. Exhausted physically, exhausted emotionally, just truly exhausted. So, I asked God to give me a week. I needed a week to recover, rest, rejuvenate; just get ready for the next situation. He gave me exactly that...another God kiss. (Apparently, I should've told my husband that I asked for a week because it was a very long week for him...) To some, it may seem coincidental, but I don't believe in coincidence. Exactly a week later, we had 3 birth mom profiles sitting in my inbox. Most definitely, not a coincidence.

My point is this:

God is here. He doesn't sit back and observe. He's intricately involved in our lives. He knows my heart, and yours. He wants to grant us those desires. All we have to do is ask.

I know that I'm not the only one waiting on a big answer from God, so maybe while you're waiting, you'll join me in asking for the God kisses too?


"Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."

Is it no or not yet?

I've been thinking about the word "no" a lot lately and how it is a really hard word to hear.

The word "no" is a pretty common word to use, unless you're me. I hate saying "no" because I am a people pleaser to the very core of my being. Upsetting the apple cart or even thinking that I might upset the apple cart makes me feel absolutely horrible. I truly just want people to be happy. I don't feel like it's my job to keep everybody happy, but I do like to do what I can to make people's lives easier. I love to be helpful and assist others with things that they need accomplished.

However, a few months ago, I started to realize that boundaries are good and it's okay to say no. I absolutely didn't come to this conclusion on my own, but after a lot of guidance and assurance that I AM allowed to say no to things, I began to realize how much that I say yes and that it was time to start saying no sometimes. I began to see that every time I decline something; I felt the need to justify it or explain my feelings. But really, I can just say "no". This was, and continues to be, a HUGE adjustment for me. I have been trying my best to answer "yes" for things that I really want to do, things that I know will bring me joy and will bring others joy as well. Realizing that it's okay to say "no" or "not right now", has been a truly liberating process for me.

My "yes" answers are now for the things that I truly desire, the things that I want to do, things that I know will be helpful to others without completely overloading myself or putting me in a situation that I don't feel comfortable with. Recognizing that I am servant-hearted by nature, but that I also need to allow myself to be served.

However, what I find interesting is that I as I enter into a season where I am more comfortable with saying the word "no", I am having to become even more comfortable with hearing the word "no" as well.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the adoption process, the way it works for us is that we typically will get an email with a birth mother (BM) profile. Depending on the level of openness that she desires, we may just get a blurb about her in an email, or we could receive a lot of personal information. From there, we pray about her situation and decide if we would like our profile to presented to her. If we decide that we want the agency to present to her, then we send them whatever they need from us, and then we wait. Most of the time, this wait is just a couple of days. One time, it was almost two weeks (quite possibly, the longest 2 weeks ever). At the end of the wait, we either get a "yes" or a "no".

Hearing "no" is hard. Hearing "no" makes you wish you could ask that sweet, brave BM all sorts of questions. Hearing "no" makes you wonder if you're ever going to hear "yes". But each time we hear "no", God just reminds me that her "no" is His "not yet". It doesn't make it any easier to hear that word, but it does make it easier to understand, easier to move on. We know that each "no" just means that our sweet baby is still being made, still being knit together.

God is preparing you for us, little one. God is preparing us for you. We pray, we hope, we dream, we pray some more, and we wait... We hear the word "no", but we know that one day, we are going to hear the word "yes"! It will be beautiful and perfect and the best day ever.

But for now, we will be okay with hearing not yet because we know that won't always be what we hear. And I'm going to be practicing my no, so that every yes I say will be that much sweeter too.

Why Adoption?

It's a pretty common occurrence to get asked "why adoption?".

Well, let me tell you why. 

We have been on this journey to become parents for almost a year and a half now, and while that is just a blimp on the radar in the grand scheme of things, when you are walking through it, it feels like an eternity. If you had told me this time last year, that we still wouldn't have a baby, I probably would've sobbed. HA! But if you had told me this time last year that Spencer and I would be in the process of adopting, that wouldn't have surprised me at all. (funny how God works right?) We have both known from our dating days that adoption would always be a part of our story. It's a step that we were comfortable with and knew that God had in store for us one day. 

Fast forward to July of this year, and we decided to say "yes" to adopting now. And after some hard months, that was truly one of the most beautiful times that we have ever said "yes". I look back and think about how gently He took our hands and led us to this place. From then on, every step has just felt right. Thankfully, due to some dear friends that have recently adopted, we had some guidance as to what directions we could go, and after some prayer and discussion, we hired the most amazing adoption consultant. She is our go-to lady. She directed us on first steps, what home study agencies to use in our area, what agencies we could apply to once we were home study approved. She is amazing! Not only does she guide us, but she prays for us and wants us to have a baby in our arms as much as we do. It's truly been a gift to have her to go to with questions, concerns, etc. God provided an amazing supporter through her! 

Now, we are home study approved. This means that the state of OK has deemed our home suitable for  children, and we are just waiting for the day that God says, "here you go!"

Since we have started this process, I've read some great books that talk about the biblical aspects of adoption, and it has been amazing to realize, yet again, how much God loves us. He calls us His sons and daughters and accepts us as His own. It's a truly beautiful picture. 

Adoption is a risk, it's a step of faith, it's a redemption story, it's a picture of the Gospel. It can be hard, but it can be so rewarding. And we are anxious for the day that God completes this chapter.

Ephesians 1:5, "God destined us for adoption as His children through Jesus Christ according to the good pleasure of His will."

Just a little intro...

This is probably the third time in my life that I've decided to blog. Truthfully, I can't even remember what the purpose was for the first two, but here I am..yet again. Spencer and I are in the midst of the adoption process (YAY!), and as we go through the steps, the ups and downs, I've realized that I need an outlet. A place to come and write my feelings. A place to process. This is kind of interesting because I wouldn't consider myself a writer, yet my heart has been longing to write and share. So, I've decided to listen to my heart.

I'm not exactly sure what this blog is going to look like. My main goal is that this blog won't just be a therapeutic process for me. I want it to be a place where people can learn about what we're going through, where we are in our journey, and all of the feelings that come from adoption (and maybe be encouraged to adopt themselves?). Since the beginning of our journey to start our family, I've told Spencer that I don't want not to talk about it. If one person can be comforted by what we're going through, given the courage to step out and share their own struggles, or just learn more about themselves, then it makes all of this worth it.

So here I am, asking God to use me and my words to speak life and truth, to know that it's okay to feel all the feelings, and to guide us as we wait for our precious baby.


Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."